Misery Loves Company

It shouldn’t really be a surprise but it’s not always opposites that attract. And when it comes to negative or miserable or weary or unpopular or depressed people, we can often spot each other and seek out each other’s company. This will undoubtedly be true of people who fit into other categories but, hey, this is primarily a mental health blog. Having spent much of my life in those categories I have quite some experience of this. We probably do it because we want to talk to people who can sympathise or maybe even affirm us in our misery. But this is possibly one of the worst things we can do. It keeps us chained in the attitude as we commiserate with each other.

But… Doesn’t it feel better to know that we’re not the only ones? Well, perhaps people have different responses but I think the answer is probably “not really”. The fact that someone else is also depressed doesn’t make you any less depressed. The fact that “there’s always someone worse off than you” doesn’t actually make you feel better. You’re so engrossed in feeling your own pain you are not so easily able to feel the pain of others. If I have a raging toothache I’m not going to be cheered up by the thought “well, at least I’m not having my leg amputated”. 

Misery loves company but only serves to perpetuate itself. If you are a negative person and you associate with other negative people you know that association is only going to lead to one thing – moaning, complaining, griping and making you feel worse. You may have “put the world to rights” but trust me, the world ain’t listening and carries on as it always has. The best way to change the world is to become a positive person and use that positive attitude to do something to help rather than bemoan its state.

But how do you change? Can you? Yes, you can! You are not a leopard! Specifics on how to change will depend on the specifics of your issue. (For which, see a health professional or google Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.) But here’s a good principle – seek out company which is positive, happy, unburdened, popular and emotionally stable – basically, everything you’re not! Yes, yuck! But maybe it will lift you up and give you something to aspire to? Some would say abandon your fellow depressives. I don’t think so. Like you, they need help, not abandonment. But be aware. Negativity is a monster that feeds off itself. Start to be a light. Look for the positives in your own life and help the negative people to see the positives in theirs. Change yourself and model the new way for others. And try to make sure you have people supporting you.

All Things New

It’s easy to get stuck in a rut – this life – same old, same old. Drudgery, boredom, grinding hard work. It’s easy to forget the good things when you get stuck in this rut. And that’s a shame. We end up longing for change, for something new - a glimmer of hope. This desire for redemption is only natural. The question is, what does this redemption look like? Who’ll deliver it? And do you actually have it already?

Depression, anxiety, fear, worry –these destroy a proper sense of perspective. And Christians aren’t immune. Maybe we should be? But we’re not. We’ve more cause than anyone for rejoicing. So how do we tap into that? And will it help? 

We need to remember what God has done for us. The Son of God could’ve stayed in heaven and enjoyed fellowshipping with the Father and the Holy Spirit. He could’ve let us get on with life. But He had compassion on us, took on human flesh in the person of Jesus, experienced life as a human, showed us what God is like in more than words, allowed Himself to be misunderstood, mistreated, murdered. This is our God! No distant deity who doesn’t care, but one who gets stuck in. Jesus rose from the dead, guaranteeing we’ll rise with Him. He has an eternity planned for us that no human can fully imagine. We await that in faith.

Jesus made some astounding offers. “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” And: “Let anyone who is thirsty come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as Scripture has said, rivers of living water will flow from within them.”

We tap into His life by trusting in His promises, His words, in Him. He doesn’t even put a massive burden on us. He made all things new. He ended the requirement of animal sacrifice. He became the better sacrifice. In the New Covenant in His blood, death has been conquered. There are just so many great things which are ours in Christ. Some we experience now, others are yet to come.

And yet… And yet… Is this enough to make us happy? It really should be! And yet…  And yet… We live in a fallen world, we have problems, we suffer. The same was true for Jesus. Being God in human form did not exempt Him. But He’s willing to go through it with us. And He’s put his Spirit in us. And He’s made us a load of promises. And to these we can cling. And we can pray to see these promises. And we can be thankful for what He’s done. And we can seek the help of pastors and health professionals, because we can’t always make it on our own. 

So cling on… Cling on… Many things became new in Jesus. All things will become new.

Vicious Cogs

Things like depression, anxiety, anger, low mood – in fact, any problem that comes under the “mental health” umbrella (and probably any other problem) – do not come out of nowhere and do not continue to exist in a vacuum. You don’t feel anxious or depressed without a cause. The trick is to discover what keeps your particular issue going. And when you’ve discovered that, you can start to tackle it. 

There’s a concept called “vicious cogs”. Imagine a large cog in the centre and smaller cogs linked to it. That centre cog represents the main problem – the smaller cogs are what keep it going. The two are interlinked, feeding off one another. For instance, if anxiety is a problem, it may be kept going by distorted thinking (always assuming the worst will happen, or that there’s bound to be a big disaster heading your way), avoiding situations (in order to spare yourself potential, albeit maybe unlikely, embarrassment), keeping busy (in an effort to avoid thinking), escape (trying to get out of situations in which you think you will feel uncomfortable). These are just examples. By adopting these coping mechanisms you actually perpetuate the anxiety. You assume a problem that may or may not be likely to happen, then you do what you can to make sure it doesn’t happen. For instance, you’re afraid people won’t like you, so you avoid meeting people. But in doing so, you never get to find out whether they like you or not. And that keeps the anxiety in place. And so on…

What you need to do is confront the cogs one by one. This will require courage and you may need the help of others. But once you see that your fears are unfounded (or greatly exaggerated), then you should find your problem gradually overcome.

Here’s a poem I recently wrote about my own vicious cogs. Having identified the problems I have been able to work to overcome them.

*Tiredness*

Constant plodding ache

Affecting mood and motivation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Negativity*

Stupid this, stupid that

I don't want to do it

Haven't I got enough to think about?

Everything is aggravation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Low expectation*

Nothing ever changes

Nothing ever will

As it was in the beginning

Is now

And ever shall be

Immortal stagnation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Withdrawal*

Shunning human company

On my lonesome

It's easier that way

Don't have to think what to say

Isolation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Lack of motivation*

Can't be bothered

What's the point?

It's too much hassle

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

Just do it!

Just do it!

Be bothered

Be bothered

Things can change

Exit your safe space

There's a world out there

And it might just want to know you

Overcome the cogs

That keep depression turning

Break each one

Break each one

The key!

The key!

(You can type “vicious cogs” into a search engine to find out more.)

The End of the World

We live in an age of exaggeration. Things are blown out of all proportion. It doesn’t take much for social media to erupt in howls of doom, gloom, condemnation and the other horseman of the apocalypse. People appear to lack the sense to see things in context. Everything is black or white. Everything is catastrophic. The worst is always going to happen. A herd mentality kicks in – people seizing on the catastrophizing of others. You’d think the world was going to end. Yet the next day the world keeps turning and there is another issue which takes up the mantle of horror.

Catastrophizing is expecting the worst possible outcome from a set of events. It’s unfounded fear magnified. It’s paranoia intensified. It’s irrational. It’s a horrible way to live. I spent a lot of my life like this. It drains you. It’s a sign of depression, anxiety, mental illness. And it needs to be combatted.

The first thing is to realise when you’re doing it, that you’re seeing a thing in the worst possible light. Once aware of what you’re doing, you can start to tackle it. When you notice you’re doing it, visualise a massive STOP sign in your mind, accompanied by the sound of screeching tyres. Ask yourself whether it’s really likely to turn out as bad as you expect. Put it into context. Ask realistically, what’s actually likely to happen. If you made a mistake and it’s possible to correct it, do so. If you did something wrong, seek to put it right. If a situation is out of your hands, instead of constantly dwelling on it, get on with life and let other people sort it out. Take a day at a time. Be calm. Take deep breaths. When thoughts of exaggerated, negative expectations come to your mind, realise they’re just thoughts and don’t necessarily reflect reality. Keep telling yourself the bad outcome is unlikely to be as bad as you think. Or even happen at all.

This is about irrational thinking. If there are good reasons for expecting a very bad outcome, this is not directed at you. What I’m referring to is a persistent, extreme expectation of the very worst. It’s negative thoughts spinning out of control which need nipping in the bud. It may well take a good deal of persistent practice to break the habit, but it’s a great tool to have in your armoury.

You can think up some visual metaphors to help you. Imagine you are playing cricket, perhaps. When you spot a catastrophic thought, picture a cricket ball as the thought coming towards you and you magnificently hit it for six to the adulation of the crowd. Or you’re a boxer – the thought is your opponent striding towards you but you punch him to the floor and raise your arms in triumph! These symbols of victory can help you mock the fears and show yourself a conqueror.

Happitude

It seems today that everyone is screaming for their rights. Or is it only a certain type of person? I find it hard to believe that you can scream and be happy at the same time. Clearly there are cases of injustice, where screaming may be necessary. But for some people it’s all “me, me, me”, and this doesn’t bode well for happiness. Such people come across as the permanently aggrieved and outraged. It’s as if they have to be complaining about something all the time. It’s as if they only care about themselves and not what other people want. I think these must be very unhappy people.

There is an antidote to this attitude and it is contentment. I say again, this is not referring to matters of injustice, it’s about a sense of entitlement, a feeling that the world owes you and you’re going to scream until it takes notice. That’s what toddlers do! Contentment seems to be a lost art. I know what it’s like to moan all the time – it’s not a fun place to be and it’s not attractive to others. Who wants to be around a whinger except other whingers? 

Here’s what the Apostle Paul had to say on that subject: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Paul attributed this ability to be content to his relationship with Christ. By seeing everything in that context, he was able to go with the flow of life on earth, knowing it is transitory and he was looking forward to better things. 

Contentedness on earth is a thing to be treasured. This doesn’t mean you can’t strive for improvement or betterment. Of course you can. It does mean not being overwhelmed by setbacks. And it means improving yourself for the benefit of others, too. If we are navigating our way through that complex matter of God’s will, we will not see setbacks as of necessity bad things. It comes down to trust. Trusting that in all things God is working for your good. This will mean ultimately laying aside “me, me, me” and focussing on Him.

(Check out 1 Corinthians 9 and see how Paul positively gave up his rights to further the gospel.)