Deadhead

I’ve recently gotten into gardening. I didn’t think I’d like it, but I do. Our last house had no garden or yard, only a pathway. I didn’t mind. Gardening! Yawn! Hassle! But when we moved we gained a small garden; small and manageable. I wasn’t going to like it anyway, so the less to do the better. I don’t have “green fingers” so all the plants would die anyway. But I’ve found it’s so much fun to see things you’ve planted grow up. It’s interesting to watch the rhythm of the seasons, the rhythm of life. There are so many different plants and flowers, and they (theoretically) need to be looked after differently.  

One thing that scared me was deadheading and pruning. I didn’t like the idea of removing dying flowers because I wanted to see their colour for as long as possible. What I didn’t realise was that removing dead flowers allows new ones to replace them! And pruning – but I might kill the plant! Pruning does many things like removing dead wood, shaping, encouraging growth. And I suppose if I did kill a plant I could just buy a new one….

You might think this post is about gardening making you happy. Well no, it’s not. It’s about deadheading and pruning in our lives. There are things which make us unhappy, yet strangely we don’t always want to get rid of them. I suggest we need to take a look at them and decide if we can deadhead or prune them out of our lives in order to encourage new growth or to give us time to replace them with something else we’d rather do. Hence – the happiness audit! This will seem to be a chore, but for one week only take a pen and some sheets of paper (if you still use such things) and each HOUR (yes, hour!) write down the MAIN thing you did in that hour; then on a scale of 1 to 10, rate how much sense of achievement you got and also how much you enjoyed it. This will be a good way to assess what you do and don’t like doing as you do it. It’ll give you a template to deadhead activities you don’t like to allow more time for things you do. A word of caution – be sensible. If you discover you hate washing up, you shouldn’t decide you’ll never do it again. Either find a way to enjoy it or buy a dishwasher! If you don’t like your job, don’t just walk away. Some things we just have to do. So see if there’s anything you don’t like doing that you don’t HAVE to do. Ditch it and try replacing it with something you’ve always wanted to try.

It may seem hard to give up things which don’t make us happy. It can hurt and create a feeling of emptiness. But allow something else to grow in its place and it will seem very worthwhile.

For example, I’ve stopped avidly watching news and political programmes (all doom, gloom and negativity) and now I do other things like writing poetry, playing my ukulele more often, writing blogs! Let’s sensibly prune off dead wood from our lives to allow fresh, new growth to come through.

Fifty Shades Of Green

Not so long ago we were driving through the countryside (I say, “we” – my wife was driving) and I took the opportunity to observe the scenery. One thing that struck me was how green everything was. Trees, fields, hills… Except it wasn’t green! It was greens! Not just one colour, green, but lots of shades of green! I must’ve noticed this before but it struck me like something new. Darker greens, lighter greens, in-between greens. Consciously observing, rather than casually observing, gave me a greater appreciation for what was right in front of my eyes and what should, really, have been blindingly obvious!

I wonder how much we miss out on in life. We look, but do we see? We taste, but do we savour? We touch, but do we feel? We hear, but do we listen? We smell, but do we…  um, smell?

If I’d been driving, I’d have been unable to appreciate the scenery. Even as a passenger, I may’ve been staring out of the window, lost in thoughts. But this time, for just part of the journey, I observed and appreciated, like a child grasping something as if for the first time and sensing a flash of joy at the discovery.

This is how life is. Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with something we lose the ability to appreciate anything else. We can be so focussed that we become blinkered. We’re so concentrating on what we’re doing it’s like there is nothing else.

Sometimes we’re living so much in our heads with our thoughts and our worries that we just don’t appreciate life anymore. We’re aware that life is happening to us but the trials of life (perceived or real) so dominate our thoughts that we live a kind of shadow life – one of our imagination rather than the real world. We’re in the passenger seat and being driven around by the spectre of fear and anxiety.

Sometimes we’re able to live mindfully, aware of what’s happening in us and around us. This will never happen by accident. We have to make ourselves do it. We have to decide to pay attention. We have to choose to live in the moment, seeing what’s there, being curious, observing, open to discovery. That’s what I chose to do that day while my wife was driving.

I’ve spent so much of my life in fear, worry and anxiety, which is like a grey fog, obscuring life, making me unable to see good things, afraid of what might be around the next corner, shrouding life in a monotonous haze. To see one shade of green is an achievement. To become aware of “fifty” is a bonus.

I’d encourage everyone to take time out each day to be aware. Become aware of what’s happening in your body, of the taste of food, of the feel of objects, of the sounds around you, of the sight in front of you. Become aware of the breath of life within you. Settle down and observe. When thoughts come to drag your mind away, just be aware of that and return to what you were observing. And every time your mind wanders, notice that and come back to what you were observing. You’ll gain a wider appreciation of things, noticing the different shades of life.

Just Because You're Paranoid...

As I write something’s happening which, is the past, might have fed into paranoia. It’s the middle of July and we’re having an abysmal summer. Today, however, it’s not raining, it’s warm despite being cloudy, and there are even flashes of sunshine. Just right for sitting in the garden! Or it would be if one of the neighbours wasn’t bang-bang-banging, fixing the roof of his shed! Yes, it’s annoying, but he’s not doing it to stop me sitting outside!  And this is the difference between normality and paranoia. A paranoid would consider it an attack by the person against them. I’ve been there – oh, have I been there!

Paranoia can be an expression of depression. You think everything’s about you. Any inconvenience is a deliberate attack against you. “They” are out to get you. Some enemy’s trying to ruin you. This is largely irrational. I’ve often found, while walking along, there’s a slowcoach in front of me and I’ve been anxious to overtake them. So, I start to move to the right and – Slowcoach moves to the right. So I start to move left to overtake them – Slowcoach moves left. I’m not kidding! Slowcoach can have moved in the same direction as me, at the same time, six times. It’s as though they’ve been toying with me. As if they’ve eyes in the back of their heads. But it’s an unlikely coincidence – nothing more. Nothing to see here – move on! (Well, I will if they let me!!!)

Now, that shed-banging neighbour isn’t out to get me. He’s just mending his shed while the weather’s good. Most times I sit out there undisturbed. But the paranoid mind doesn’t work like that. It’s convinced there’s a global conspiracy against it.

Christians of certain persuasions get paranoid over the end times. I’ve been there – oh, yes! We play games like “pin the tail on the Antichrist” or “which of the seven seals are we in”. People convince themselves they know the answers, but they don’t. Since Christ died people have looked at world events and attached apocalyptic significance to them. Incorrectly so. We really should not let this side-track us so much.

Focus rather on this - God is for us!

Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:31-32 – “If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all.”

Romans 8:38-39 –“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Now, Christians do have an invisible enemy. 1 Peter 5:8-9 – “Be alert and of sober mind. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.  Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that the family of believers throughout the world is undergoing the same kind of sufferings.”

The devil is against all believers, not just you. He can only be in one place, so you’re unlikely to be a priority. Peter tells us how to act. Be alert, be sober, resist him, stand firm in the faith. None of these are actions of the paranoid.

So cheer up! God is for us! Most of those things you consider to be attacks are just coincidences. Move along. God has won.

* * * * 

Here is a link to a poem on my other blog which addresses this subject:
http://witandwisdompoetry.blogspot.co.uk/2016/07/conspiracy.html

Three Good Things

*This post deals with an issue that depressed people have but the advice is for everyone, so don’t think it’s only relevant to the depressed.*

When you’re depressed it can be very difficult to see any good in your life.  Even if you do see it, you can’t necessarily feel it. Good can seem distant and emotionally unconnected from you. This is horrible. You feel hopeless, useless and miserable. Yet this is an illusion. There are so many good things in our lives to be grateful for. Yet often we take them for granted even if we’re aware of them.

Here’s something we can all do this week. It shouldn’t be difficult. It’s an exercise at the shallow end of gratitude. When you go to bed pause to think over your day and recollect three good things. They don’t have to make you FEEL good. When I was depressed, NOTHING made me feel good. Even things I knew in my head I liked didn’t make me feel good. But they were good. So think of three things which were objectively good in your day. If you really can’t think of three, start with one or two. If you can think of more than three, don’t feel you have to stop. Go ahead and knock yourself out!

Try think of things specific to that day rather than general things. Three things may not seem like much, but if you’re depressed even that’s hard work, so if you make it to three, give yourself a pat on the back – seriously! Any dent in a tide of negativity is welcome.

Here’s a way to take it further. Don’t wait till bedtime. Pause during the day at a time you’ve decided in advance and think of three good things up to that point, as well as at night. The more positive awareness you get in your life, the better.

If you really want to turbocharge this practice, look out for good things during the day. Before writing I made myself a coffee and considered how many good things were involved in its making. God created coffee beans, someone hit upon the idea of harvesting, roasting them and boiling them in water. Brave soul! Imagine if they’d been poisonous! Someone else invented sweetener tablets and coffee whitener. Plus electric kettles, without which making coffee would be more hassle. Electricity, too. That was discovered and now, all around the world, people are working to generate it so we don’t have to light fires to boil water. And somebody manufactured the mug I’m drinking from. As well as the spoon I stirred it with, so I wouldn’t have to use my finger and burn it in the scalding hot water. And the water! Men gather it, clean it up and pump it into my house through pipes that other men have laid! When you think through stuff like this once in a while it expands your awareness beyond yourself. You see how a hot drink connects you with so many other people!

We can thank them and thank God. Because without the raw material the Creator made, man could do none of this. In all things we’re supposed to give thanks to God, but do we? It’s a tough ask because we’re so distracted. He realizes we are but dust. However, Christians are redeemed dust and gratitude to Him is part of that redemption.

Finding good things alone will not cure depression. But it’s a big step to see that not everything is bad. There are good things in your life. And you have someone to thank!

It Was Very Good!

If I’m looking for something beautiful and majestic, what better than a holiday to the countryside or mountains? You can’t go far wrong in the majestic stakes if you’re driving through a mountainous area, looking up at those huge, rocky protrusions all around you. Or pausing for a view over vast, lush green hillsides – oh, yes, and don’t forget the lakes! My heart’s already getting excited at the thought of it! It feels like these are the crowning glory of all earthly creation! Only they are not! I realized this mistake as Genesis 1:31 hit me, “God saw all that he had made, and it was very good”. Whatever your Christian view of Creation, God saw it was good until He made man in His image - only then was it “very good”.

Now this is a bit of a shock, really. When I look at humanity I don’t see “very good”. I pretty much see the opposite. I don’t see the crowning glory of Creation, I see a mess – sometimes a very nasty mess. This may be partly the fault of news organizations, which highlight the mess rather than the good. Or maybe they’re showing Psalm 14:1-3 in action: “The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds, there is none who does good. The Lord looks down from heaven on the children of man, to see if there are any who understand, who seek after God. They have all turned aside; together they have become corrupt; there is none who does good, not even one.”

“Original sin” is at work here, the result of an act of disobedience towards God which had the consequence of spoiling everything. But what of the lesser known concept of “original goodness”. Humanity was made (very) good – in the image of the Good God. That being-made-in-God’s-image is what sets us apart from the rest of the majestic creation. Perhaps less “apart” as “above”?

Turns out I’m not the first to have such ideas:

“Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!

…When I consider your heavens,
    the work of your fingers,
the moon and the stars,
    which you have set in place,
what is mankind that you are mindful of them,
    human beings that you care for them?

You have made them a little lower than the angels
    and crowned them with glory and honour.
You made them rulers over the works of your hands;
    you put everything under their feet:
all flocks and herds,
    and the animals of the wild,
the birds in the sky,
    and the fish in the sea,
    all that swim the paths of the seas.

Lord, our Lord,
    how majestic is your name in all the earth!”

(Psalm 8)

So, what happened when it all went wrong? If I were God I’d probably have torn it up and started afresh. But no! He already had a plan. To restore Original Goodness by sending a perfect Redeemer who would die for our disobedience. That was His Son, Jesus. Jesus was no reluctant sacrifice. He wanted to do it. Why? Love. Love for His Father, desiring a holy people for His Name. And love for us. Not wanting us to perish, to die in a state of disobedience.

This is cause for great happiness and will end in ultimate happiness. Let these words of Jesus from John 15:9 sink in – “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you.” The love which Jesus has for us is the same love the Father has for Jesus!

The Sun Is Coming Out!

You know how it is. It’s cloudy. been raining. You’re a bit fed up. Then the clouds start to disperse, the sky and the earth brighten up and you say, “The Sun is coming out!” And yet, you’re wrong! Nothing personal! We all do it! The sun isn’t coming out at all. It’s been there all the time. It’s the clouds that are moving, allowing us to see and feel it. Maybe we focus on the sun because we like it more than the clouds?

Leaving that aside, what we learn is that our perspective isn’t always quite right. No harm will come to us by saying “the sun is coming out” when it’s actually “the clouds are moving away”. But there are false senses of perspective which are harmful. They can rob us of happiness. Depression manifests in false perspectives. I’ve experienced all on the list below, so when I follow the quote with a comment I intend it to be another perspective with which to challenge the negative thought.

“I feel like I’m up against the world.” Really? Seven billion people verses you?
“Why can’t I ever succeed?” What? You never, ever succeed in anything?
“No one understands me.” Do you speak a different language?
“I’ve let people down.” Have you asked them whether they feel let down?
“I’m useless.” You must be good at something.
“My life’s not going to way I want it to.” Is that because you have unrealistic expectations?
“I can’t get started.” Well, you got out of bed, didn’t you? YOU DID, DIDN’T YOU?????
“What’s wrong with me?” Focus on what’s right with you.
“I wish I could just disappear.” You would really be missed if you did.
“My life is a mess.” List the messy things and straighten them out one at a time.
“Something has to change.” Go out and make it change, then! If you sit around moping it won’t.
“My future is bleak.” What are you, a clairvoyant?

OK, some of the responses may be more helpful than others but you get the idea. A problem with depression is that you never see the sun come out because for you the clouds are always there. Depression doesn’t come on its own. It brings its evil twin self-pity along. And this is toxic. You cannot easily escape once that gets hold of you.  

If you’re stuck in this downward spiral of depression/self-pity/negativity/hopelessness, you’ll need help. It’s like sinking in quicksilver – you cannot save yourself. It can be difficult to admit to yourself you’re depressed, so I’d understand you may not want to talk to friends or family about it. (Alternatively, you may do little else than moan to them.) As well as support of people you know, I would advocate seeing your GP or family doctor. They can help you and/or direct you in the path to take. There are self-help books if you really have nobody or are too scared to talk to anyone. And if you’re a Christian, speak to a senior person in your church for advice. Humble yourself. Don’t feel you’re a failure as a Christian. Depression is a recognised illness and you wouldn’t necessarily feel you were letting God down if you had the flu. 

Whatever you do, do something to address it. Pray. And hold on to the Lord. There is a way to see the sun again!

That Went Well, Then!

This post was inspired by something I saw recently. I found it so amusing that I took a photo (with my new smartphone, having upgraded from a bog standard mobile at last – go me!) and that photo is on the left. Someone politely wrote a request on their garage door not to park in front of it. Drew a smiley face to show this was a friendly request. And someone parked in front of it. So, that went well then! 

It raises the issue of free will. Can you expect, as a regular Joe (or Josephine) Public, to be able to make people do what you want? Life would be much easier if they did, but should you expect them to? And what happens when they don’t?

Why would you want people to do what you say? You may be a control freak. You may see someone with a problem and want to help them. You may be a parent seeking a quiet(er) life or, more positively, wanting your children to do their best in life. Plenty of other reasons, I’m sure. You can adopt different strategies. The polite request (see picture!). The guilt trip (if you loved me you would…). The reduction of options (shall we go for a walk or sit on the beach? You want to go for a walk, they hate the beach). Encouragement (give it a go, you’d be great at it and it would help you no end). Flattery (I think you’re brilliant – could you give me a hand with…?). Pity (oh, I’m not well, go and fetch me…). Threat (if you don’t eat your dinner there’s no internet for you!). Well, that’s enough of that! Don’t want to give you too many ideas! 

What happens when the other person won’t play along? I mean, what happens to you? Anger? Frustration? Self-pity? A healthier option is to keep trying and not give up on the person. (I’m assuming here you’re trying to change someone for their benefit, not yours.) Try different positive tactics (there’s bound to be a website for that!). Even if it breaks your heart, don’t give up on the other person. 

You can’t really control other people (in any good sense). They have free will just like you do. The happiest way is to offer to work with them, show them what is for their good, and let them know you’re there for them. Trying to beat someone into submission or put them on a guilt trip isn’t really going to make either of you happy. Neither is the flattery or the pity strategy – that’s just deception. And if the polite request or the encouragement fails, well don’t take it personally even if it annoys you. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.”

I think the person who’s the most vulnerable when it comes to human free will is God. Imagine you’re forever being rejected or disobeyed or your instructions and encouragements are ignored. Thankfully God is good in a way that we’re not. He has many strategies to work in and with us but He respects the free will He gave us. It must break His heart because He doesn’t desire the death of sinners, but that they repent. And does He give up on Christians? The Apostle Paul didn’t think so: “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6). If our attitude should be the same as our Father in heaven, we should not give up on each other either.