Close Up

One thing depression and/or anxiety can do is make us withdraw from things. This may be due to a real root like rejection, fear, uncertainty, exaggeration of risk, poor self-esteem or apathy. Feel free to add to this list.

I’ve spent a long while hiding in my shell. It’s a miserable existence. Not wanting to meet new people as they won’t like me. Not wanting to go out because I feel tired and will keep wishing I could go back home to rest. Not being bothered to do things because there doesn’t seem to be any point to them. Afraid of making a mistake and messing things up. All very negative and mostly nonsense that only existed in my head. So everything becomes a big risk and not worth trying as there seems no benefit, only disadvantages. This is what depression does to a soul.

Hiding yourself away seems like a comfort blanket, but it can be toxic. If you interact with these kinds of thoughts you end up in a vicious spiral, dragged further away from a normal existence. Keeping your distance from things for any of the above reasons means you’ll fail to live a life abundant and will miss out on joy. But we can learn to live life up close and personal rather than from a distance; in the thick of it rather than hidden away in a self-piteous hole.

Maybe you need to take “baby steps”. If you’re the kind of person I describe you’ll need to work towards overcoming. I know it’s easier to find reasons not to do things, but depression and anxiety won’t cure themselves and we need to choose to act against them.

I suggest making a list of things you’d really like to do and of people you’d really like to spend time with. (Yeah, I know, lists are a drag.) Then write for each one why you are holding back. Then write whether you believe this is reasonable or not, and why. Then write what you’d have to gain by doing each thing. (Let’s say this is a risk assessment.) Then finally choose one and arrange it.

In spite of encouraging you to work out positive reasons why you could do x, y or z, I would then suggest you do the thing for its own sake. Put aside expectations because if they’re not met you’ll be disappointed and want to give up. Do it for the sheer sake of it. Then the fact you did it will be a victory in itself! Here’s an example. I decided after a lot of procrastination to sign up to the app Periscope, through which people broadcast whatever they want - live. What could little old me do? I know, I could sing and play the ukulele. It’s quite nerve-wracking at first. What if I make mistakes, what if I mess it up, what if my voice isn’t up to scratch, what if nobody watches… Well, I did it and somehow wondered what the point was. But the point is I like playing the ukulele. I like it when people listen to what I do and show their appreciation but, at the end of the day, I have to enjoy doing it for the sake of it.

So whatever you’re holding back from doing, give it a try. Then try something else new. Live life close up. What’s the worst that can happen? And if there’s a setback – don’t retreat into a shell. Try, try, try again!

Fifty Shades Of Green

Not so long ago we were driving through the countryside (I say, “we” – my wife was driving) and I took the opportunity to observe the scenery. One thing that struck me was how green everything was. Trees, fields, hills… Except it wasn’t green! It was greens! Not just one colour, green, but lots of shades of green! I must’ve noticed this before but it struck me like something new. Darker greens, lighter greens, in-between greens. Consciously observing, rather than casually observing, gave me a greater appreciation for what was right in front of my eyes and what should, really, have been blindingly obvious!

I wonder how much we miss out on in life. We look, but do we see? We taste, but do we savour? We touch, but do we feel? We hear, but do we listen? We smell, but do we…  um, smell?

If I’d been driving, I’d have been unable to appreciate the scenery. Even as a passenger, I may’ve been staring out of the window, lost in thoughts. But this time, for just part of the journey, I observed and appreciated, like a child grasping something as if for the first time and sensing a flash of joy at the discovery.

This is how life is. Sometimes we’re so preoccupied with something we lose the ability to appreciate anything else. We can be so focussed that we become blinkered. We’re so concentrating on what we’re doing it’s like there is nothing else.

Sometimes we’re living so much in our heads with our thoughts and our worries that we just don’t appreciate life anymore. We’re aware that life is happening to us but the trials of life (perceived or real) so dominate our thoughts that we live a kind of shadow life – one of our imagination rather than the real world. We’re in the passenger seat and being driven around by the spectre of fear and anxiety.

Sometimes we’re able to live mindfully, aware of what’s happening in us and around us. This will never happen by accident. We have to make ourselves do it. We have to decide to pay attention. We have to choose to live in the moment, seeing what’s there, being curious, observing, open to discovery. That’s what I chose to do that day while my wife was driving.

I’ve spent so much of my life in fear, worry and anxiety, which is like a grey fog, obscuring life, making me unable to see good things, afraid of what might be around the next corner, shrouding life in a monotonous haze. To see one shade of green is an achievement. To become aware of “fifty” is a bonus.

I’d encourage everyone to take time out each day to be aware. Become aware of what’s happening in your body, of the taste of food, of the feel of objects, of the sounds around you, of the sight in front of you. Become aware of the breath of life within you. Settle down and observe. When thoughts come to drag your mind away, just be aware of that and return to what you were observing. And every time your mind wanders, notice that and come back to what you were observing. You’ll gain a wider appreciation of things, noticing the different shades of life.