Mind wandering

It’s something we all do. We can’t help ourselves. Really, we can’t! We don’t even know we’re doing it most of the time. Suddenly we become aware of it and have the chance to come back into the room. Mind wandering. It’s what minds do. No activity is immune – eating, having a shower, washing up, watching TV, reading, writing, gardening. Nothing is off limits. The mind will wander.

It’s not necessarily a bad thing. It depends a lot on when and where it wanders. It can be quite pleasant if you’re doing something boring to drift off into a daydream. Or it can be annoying if you suddenly realise you’ve missed something important because you lost focus for a while. It can be embarrassing if you suddenly find yourself staring at someone! And it can be devastating if it wanders off to worries or problems. Have you got stuck in a loop where your mind brings up the same thoughts, worries and fears over and over? This is the mind wandering we need to tackle most of all. It can destroy happiness. It can ruin our day if we let it.

If we can’t stop the mind wandering, how are we supposed to stop it worrying about the future or dredging up the past? How do we stop it whirling the same old thoughts around and around?

When you notice your mind is wandering to worries or fears, you can stop it. You don’t have to allow the thoughts to play out to a conclusion. Just be aware it’s happening and gently drop the thought in mid-sentence, so to speak. No need to be angry with yourself or shout at your brain to be quiet. Be gentle and kind. You can even thank your mind for bringing it to your attention but tell it you don’t need to be thinking about that right now. Then go back to what you were doing. Of course, the mind doesn’t always get the message and off it goes again. So you just have to keep bringing it back. You may have to do this a lot. With patience and practice, you’ll find you’re able to reduce the amount of worrying which spoils life.

You’ll need to remind yourself that the thing you’re worrying about won’t change just because you keep worrying about it. Worry steals happiness and doesn’t solve the problem. And it tends to make you feel worse. So you end up miserable and get yourself worked up while the problem remains.

If your mind keeps wandering to past events, remind yourself you can’t go back and change the past. You may be able to do something in the present to put it right, in which case do so as and when you’re able. But you can’t change the past by thinking about it over and over.

Another thing that can happen if our minds wander off to worries is that we lose perspective. The worry seems to increase in size as we keep thinking about it. It seems like a mountain when it really is a molehill. We need to calmly, rationally consider how big this problem actually is. If you conclude that it really is a genuine, big problem, then take steps to resolve it. But if you conclude it’s easily dealt with, don’t spend time getting worked up about it.

Break the vicious spiral of worry. Take deep breaths. Be calm. Be rational. Be kind to yourself. Be kind to others.

Close Up

One thing depression and/or anxiety can do is make us withdraw from things. This may be due to a real root like rejection, fear, uncertainty, exaggeration of risk, poor self-esteem or apathy. Feel free to add to this list.

I’ve spent a long while hiding in my shell. It’s a miserable existence. Not wanting to meet new people as they won’t like me. Not wanting to go out because I feel tired and will keep wishing I could go back home to rest. Not being bothered to do things because there doesn’t seem to be any point to them. Afraid of making a mistake and messing things up. All very negative and mostly nonsense that only existed in my head. So everything becomes a big risk and not worth trying as there seems no benefit, only disadvantages. This is what depression does to a soul.

Hiding yourself away seems like a comfort blanket, but it can be toxic. If you interact with these kinds of thoughts you end up in a vicious spiral, dragged further away from a normal existence. Keeping your distance from things for any of the above reasons means you’ll fail to live a life abundant and will miss out on joy. But we can learn to live life up close and personal rather than from a distance; in the thick of it rather than hidden away in a self-piteous hole.

Maybe you need to take “baby steps”. If you’re the kind of person I describe you’ll need to work towards overcoming. I know it’s easier to find reasons not to do things, but depression and anxiety won’t cure themselves and we need to choose to act against them.

I suggest making a list of things you’d really like to do and of people you’d really like to spend time with. (Yeah, I know, lists are a drag.) Then write for each one why you are holding back. Then write whether you believe this is reasonable or not, and why. Then write what you’d have to gain by doing each thing. (Let’s say this is a risk assessment.) Then finally choose one and arrange it.

In spite of encouraging you to work out positive reasons why you could do x, y or z, I would then suggest you do the thing for its own sake. Put aside expectations because if they’re not met you’ll be disappointed and want to give up. Do it for the sheer sake of it. Then the fact you did it will be a victory in itself! Here’s an example. I decided after a lot of procrastination to sign up to the app Periscope, through which people broadcast whatever they want - live. What could little old me do? I know, I could sing and play the ukulele. It’s quite nerve-wracking at first. What if I make mistakes, what if I mess it up, what if my voice isn’t up to scratch, what if nobody watches… Well, I did it and somehow wondered what the point was. But the point is I like playing the ukulele. I like it when people listen to what I do and show their appreciation but, at the end of the day, I have to enjoy doing it for the sake of it.

So whatever you’re holding back from doing, give it a try. Then try something else new. Live life close up. What’s the worst that can happen? And if there’s a setback – don’t retreat into a shell. Try, try, try again!