Vicious Cogs

Things like depression, anxiety, anger, low mood – in fact, any problem that comes under the “mental health” umbrella (and probably any other problem) – do not come out of nowhere and do not continue to exist in a vacuum. You don’t feel anxious or depressed without a cause. The trick is to discover what keeps your particular issue going. And when you’ve discovered that, you can start to tackle it. 

There’s a concept called “vicious cogs”. Imagine a large cog in the centre and smaller cogs linked to it. That centre cog represents the main problem – the smaller cogs are what keep it going. The two are interlinked, feeding off one another. For instance, if anxiety is a problem, it may be kept going by distorted thinking (always assuming the worst will happen, or that there’s bound to be a big disaster heading your way), avoiding situations (in order to spare yourself potential, albeit maybe unlikely, embarrassment), keeping busy (in an effort to avoid thinking), escape (trying to get out of situations in which you think you will feel uncomfortable). These are just examples. By adopting these coping mechanisms you actually perpetuate the anxiety. You assume a problem that may or may not be likely to happen, then you do what you can to make sure it doesn’t happen. For instance, you’re afraid people won’t like you, so you avoid meeting people. But in doing so, you never get to find out whether they like you or not. And that keeps the anxiety in place. And so on…

What you need to do is confront the cogs one by one. This will require courage and you may need the help of others. But once you see that your fears are unfounded (or greatly exaggerated), then you should find your problem gradually overcome.

Here’s a poem I recently wrote about my own vicious cogs. Having identified the problems I have been able to work to overcome them.

*Tiredness*

Constant plodding ache

Affecting mood and motivation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Negativity*

Stupid this, stupid that

I don't want to do it

Haven't I got enough to think about?

Everything is aggravation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Low expectation*

Nothing ever changes

Nothing ever will

As it was in the beginning

Is now

And ever shall be

Immortal stagnation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Withdrawal*

Shunning human company

On my lonesome

It's easier that way

Don't have to think what to say

Isolation

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

*Lack of motivation*

Can't be bothered

What's the point?

It's too much hassle

Keep on turning

Keep depression turning

Just do it!

Just do it!

Be bothered

Be bothered

Things can change

Exit your safe space

There's a world out there

And it might just want to know you

Overcome the cogs

That keep depression turning

Break each one

Break each one

The key!

The key!

(You can type “vicious cogs” into a search engine to find out more.)

The End of the World

We live in an age of exaggeration. Things are blown out of all proportion. It doesn’t take much for social media to erupt in howls of doom, gloom, condemnation and the other horseman of the apocalypse. People appear to lack the sense to see things in context. Everything is black or white. Everything is catastrophic. The worst is always going to happen. A herd mentality kicks in – people seizing on the catastrophizing of others. You’d think the world was going to end. Yet the next day the world keeps turning and there is another issue which takes up the mantle of horror.

Catastrophizing is expecting the worst possible outcome from a set of events. It’s unfounded fear magnified. It’s paranoia intensified. It’s irrational. It’s a horrible way to live. I spent a lot of my life like this. It drains you. It’s a sign of depression, anxiety, mental illness. And it needs to be combatted.

The first thing is to realise when you’re doing it, that you’re seeing a thing in the worst possible light. Once aware of what you’re doing, you can start to tackle it. When you notice you’re doing it, visualise a massive STOP sign in your mind, accompanied by the sound of screeching tyres. Ask yourself whether it’s really likely to turn out as bad as you expect. Put it into context. Ask realistically, what’s actually likely to happen. If you made a mistake and it’s possible to correct it, do so. If you did something wrong, seek to put it right. If a situation is out of your hands, instead of constantly dwelling on it, get on with life and let other people sort it out. Take a day at a time. Be calm. Take deep breaths. When thoughts of exaggerated, negative expectations come to your mind, realise they’re just thoughts and don’t necessarily reflect reality. Keep telling yourself the bad outcome is unlikely to be as bad as you think. Or even happen at all.

This is about irrational thinking. If there are good reasons for expecting a very bad outcome, this is not directed at you. What I’m referring to is a persistent, extreme expectation of the very worst. It’s negative thoughts spinning out of control which need nipping in the bud. It may well take a good deal of persistent practice to break the habit, but it’s a great tool to have in your armoury.

You can think up some visual metaphors to help you. Imagine you are playing cricket, perhaps. When you spot a catastrophic thought, picture a cricket ball as the thought coming towards you and you magnificently hit it for six to the adulation of the crowd. Or you’re a boxer – the thought is your opponent striding towards you but you punch him to the floor and raise your arms in triumph! These symbols of victory can help you mock the fears and show yourself a conqueror.

Happitude

It seems today that everyone is screaming for their rights. Or is it only a certain type of person? I find it hard to believe that you can scream and be happy at the same time. Clearly there are cases of injustice, where screaming may be necessary. But for some people it’s all “me, me, me”, and this doesn’t bode well for happiness. Such people come across as the permanently aggrieved and outraged. It’s as if they have to be complaining about something all the time. It’s as if they only care about themselves and not what other people want. I think these must be very unhappy people.

There is an antidote to this attitude and it is contentment. I say again, this is not referring to matters of injustice, it’s about a sense of entitlement, a feeling that the world owes you and you’re going to scream until it takes notice. That’s what toddlers do! Contentment seems to be a lost art. I know what it’s like to moan all the time – it’s not a fun place to be and it’s not attractive to others. Who wants to be around a whinger except other whingers? 

Here’s what the Apostle Paul had to say on that subject: “I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.” Paul attributed this ability to be content to his relationship with Christ. By seeing everything in that context, he was able to go with the flow of life on earth, knowing it is transitory and he was looking forward to better things. 

Contentedness on earth is a thing to be treasured. This doesn’t mean you can’t strive for improvement or betterment. Of course you can. It does mean not being overwhelmed by setbacks. And it means improving yourself for the benefit of others, too. If we are navigating our way through that complex matter of God’s will, we will not see setbacks as of necessity bad things. It comes down to trust. Trusting that in all things God is working for your good. This will mean ultimately laying aside “me, me, me” and focussing on Him.

(Check out 1 Corinthians 9 and see how Paul positively gave up his rights to further the gospel.)

Another Brick In The Wall?

Is that how you feel? Just another brick in the wall? An automaton that society has turned out? Not essentially different from anyone else? Manufactured, cemented into position, unable to move, having to stay where you were put because you have no choice? Wanting to break free and be different? How depressing!

Take a look at houses and walls. Bricks come in all shapes and sizes and colours (take a good look at the bricks in the picture and see if you can spot two that are the same!). Bricks do not speak of conformity, but of creativity. Bricks are in place intentionally to ensure that a construction is stable. Bricks speak of strength.

“Unique” has become a devalued word. It means one of its kind. But today people speak of all sorts of things as being unique when they’re not. Some people speak of something or someone being “very unique”, which is a nonsense phrase. Or, being more generous, hyperbole. What is unique is you. Every one of us is unique. We may look like some other people, but we’re not them. We may think the same as some other people, but we’re not them. We are unique, just like everybody else!

We’re individuals, able to do things other people can’t do. We have different gifts and talents. Yes, you may think you’re useless at everything, but this isn’t the case. And it should really not be too difficult to find out what your strengths are and play to them. While we’re individuals and not part of a collective blob of humanity, we should still realise that we’re part of a society of individuals (indeed, of many societies). While it may be liberating to realise that you’re unique, it’s also liberating to use your gifts and talents not only for your own benefit, but also for that of the common good. Not because you are forced to, but because you want to. This is philanthropy.

Helping others is said to have a feel-good effect. This may be due in part to the feeling of satisfaction at helping, partly to interaction with others as a combat to loneliness, partly to seeing that other people are more in need than you are (engendering a sense of gratitude and empathy). It may help to reduce stress, find friends, reach out to a community, learn new skills, and even advance your career. 

Being “another brick in the wall” doesn’t have to be a negative concept. It all depends on your attitude. You can break free to help others and boost your self-esteem into the bargain.

Stop apologising for things you've never done

Have you had the experience where someone apologises to you when they’ve done nothing wrong? Or maybe you do it yourself? You’re walking along and someone is coming towards you. You move left to avoid them and they move to their right. You move right and they instinctively move to their left. Sorry! You’re absentmindedly walking to the queue in the supermarket at the same split second as someone else. Who should go ahead? Sorry, you go first. No, you go first. You’re having a conversation with someone. They’re talking. You sneeze. Sorry! 

None of these situations need an apology. In none of them is something deliberately done wrong. So why do we do it? Is it some sense of guilt? Or just a social convention? Does it do any harm? 

I think we should be saying sorry when we have deliberately done something wrong. That should be clear and obvious. But what about unintentional wrongs? Political Correctness has created a minefield. You can say something which is inoffensive in your mind but someone slams you because you used a word they don’t like. Should you apologise in this situation? If it was unintentional, I would say you don’t have to, but it’s your call. Is the other person just trying to make you feel guilty when you have no need to? I remember somebody was in this situation and he basically said “I’m sorry that you took what I said like that”. This is a reasonable compromise. You’re not accepting guilt and are allowing the other person to see you didn’t intend to offend. 

Guilt is a funny old thing. Some people say we shouldn’t feel guilty about anything. This just seems wrong to me. It says you’re always right – you’re your own judge and jury and are always found innocent. It’s anarchy. Some people say we should feel guilty about everything. This is usually in the context of religious belief. This is also wrong. It treats the act of being human as a sin and doesn’t allow God to forgive you. I don’t see how either of these are conducive to happiness.  They deny reality in their own way.

There’s a way to be free from guilt and that’s to acknowledge when we’ve done something deliberately wrong, admit it and, where necessary and possible, make amends. In a Christian context, this would also involve confessing the wrong to God, asking forgiveness, determining not to do it again, then getting on with life. 

We can unintentionally do wrong things. In the eyes of the Law of the land, you would be guilty of a crime whether or not you knew it was an offence. It can be the same in the eyes of God. It’s possible to use a general confession, asking blanket forgiveness for such things. This doesn’t imply that everything you’ve done is wrong. I don’t think God wants us to feel guilty for the sake of it. After all, Jesus died to remove our guilt, so why would He want us to wallow in it?

Galatians 5:22-23 gives us a blueprint for guilt-free Christian living. “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” And when we fail, “if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father--Jesus Christ, the Righteous One” (1 John 2:1).

Alas and Alack!

“Alas and alack! Woe is me!” In the mouth of a comedian this can be wailed to amusing effect, but really these words are not at all funny. Now a bit archaic, they do express a modern malady – self-pity. And what an awful thing it is to be in the grip of that monster! Alas, nothing ever works out for me! Alack, the whole world is against me! Woe is me, everything is conspiring against me!

Most of us don’t experience self-pity in quite so dramatic a form, but someone in the grips of depression can easily believe these statements are true. Of course, they are nonsense. A lot of things do work out for us. The whole world isn’t against us (most of it doesn’t even know we exist). There is no great conspiracy against you and you alone. Depression filters out the good things that happen in our lives as if they either don’t happen, are somehow not real, or are an aberration – a temporary positive blip to be discounted as a glitch in the system. All we are left with is our thoughts and feelings which interpret everything negatively.

It’s as if we are holding a party and, when the guests knock at the door, we only welcome in the miserable ones, or the ones dressed in grey or black. If someone turns up with a smile on their face and wearing bright clothes we slam the door in their face and tell them to go away. And so there we sit with doom, gloom and despair, commiserating with ourselves that no one likes us and we hold a little pity party telling ourselves how awful everything is. Self-pity is a comfort blanket but it is one which will smother and suffocate you. You may use it to get sympathy out of other people, but then you just become dependent on that and cannot properly function as an individual.

I have been there and it is not only an unpleasant place to be, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We dwell only on the negative so can only interpret what happens to us negatively. It poisons life.

If we are stuck in a loop of self-pity, we need to get out. And it is possible. There are different ways to get out. Make a conscious decision not to dwell on negative thoughts. You have to want to do this and, let’s face it, this means commitment and taking responsibility for yourself. Acknowledge in principle that there are good things in your life. Be on the lookout for them and don’t dismiss them. Challenge the negative thoughts. When they come, think of them in a different, more positive light. See opportunities instead of challenges. Physical exercise is said to help. Choose to be grateful for what you have instead of bemoaning what you don’t. Recognise what is making you unhappy and, if it is within your capability, change it. One thing at a time.

(If it’s very bad and you just can’t break out on your own, seek professional help. Just do whatever it takes. Depression doesn’t come out of nowhere. There may well be deep and dark abuses in a person’s past which need to be discussed with a professional.)

Crumbs From Your Table

 If someone offered you this choice, what would you do? You could have £50,000 a year for the next ten years, or a £5,000,000 lump sum in ten years’ time? Tough choice? Would you grab the money while you could or wait ten years to get ten times as much?

Now let’s apply the same principle to happiness. If you were offered the choice of a reasonable degree of happiness now or maximum happiness at some future point, which would you take?

Now, these are somehow trick questions. And rather unlikely to happen in real life. The concept behind them is whether we are willing to accept instant gratification, or are prepared to wait for something better. And this is where the trick lies – the answer to the questions is BOTH! We can experience happiness in both the short and the long term! It’s not either/or. And if someone insisted you could only have one or the other, tell them you don’t accept the premise of the question. 

I want to relate this specifically to the Christian life now. It has often been said that Christianity is all pie in the sky when you die. That is, a miserable life on earth with the promise of a future glory and joy in Heaven. But this is a false premise. The Christian life is not meant to be a miserable one. It’s meant to be a joyful one – even in the midst of suffering. Yes, there is pie in the sky when you die, but there are crumbs from the table while you live. Tasty crumbs. 

Things we associate with the Christian life are not meant to be a chore. Praying is talking with our Father, not trying to twist the arm of a grumpy skinflint. Reading the Bible is discovering more about God, not wading through a confusing old book. Going to church is communally worshipping the God we say we love, not a Sunday morning borefest with a bunch of people we don’t like. And so on… 

And yet, we can easily approach the Christian life as if it’s something we do begrudgingly. It is intended to be a little bit of Heaven on Earth; a taster of the future to come, not some sort of penance. The Christian life samples the crumbs from a heavenly table which awaits us. If it is anything else in our experience, we need a rethink. 

Sure, it’s not always an easy life – anything but! However, with the right motivation, the sacred moments and the secular moments in the life of the believer can be happy ones – a happiness based not on circumstance but on the promises of God. He will never leave us nor forsake us. He is always with us. He is always Good and His intentions toward us are always good. A knowledge of His character will transform us.

Remind me of this if I start moaning…