“Alas and alack! Woe is me!” In the mouth of a comedian this can be wailed to amusing effect, but really these words are not at all funny. Now a bit archaic, they do express a modern malady – self-pity. And what an awful thing it is to be in the grip of that monster! Alas, nothing ever works out for me! Alack, the whole world is against me! Woe is me, everything is conspiring against me!
Most of us don’t experience self-pity in quite so dramatic a form, but someone in the grips of depression can easily believe these statements are true. Of course, they are nonsense. A lot of things do work out for us. The whole world isn’t against us (most of it doesn’t even know we exist). There is no great conspiracy against you and you alone. Depression filters out the good things that happen in our lives as if they either don’t happen, are somehow not real, or are an aberration – a temporary positive blip to be discounted as a glitch in the system. All we are left with is our thoughts and feelings which interpret everything negatively.
It’s as if we are holding a party and, when the guests knock at the door, we only welcome in the miserable ones, or the ones dressed in grey or black. If someone turns up with a smile on their face and wearing bright clothes we slam the door in their face and tell them to go away. And so there we sit with doom, gloom and despair, commiserating with ourselves that no one likes us and we hold a little pity party telling ourselves how awful everything is. Self-pity is a comfort blanket but it is one which will smother and suffocate you. You may use it to get sympathy out of other people, but then you just become dependent on that and cannot properly function as an individual.
I have been there and it is not only an unpleasant place to be, it is a self-fulfilling prophecy. We dwell only on the negative so can only interpret what happens to us negatively. It poisons life.
If we are stuck in a loop of self-pity, we need to get out. And it is possible. There are different ways to get out. Make a conscious decision not to dwell on negative thoughts. You have to want to do this and, let’s face it, this means commitment and taking responsibility for yourself. Acknowledge in principle that there are good things in your life. Be on the lookout for them and don’t dismiss them. Challenge the negative thoughts. When they come, think of them in a different, more positive light. See opportunities instead of challenges. Physical exercise is said to help. Choose to be grateful for what you have instead of bemoaning what you don’t. Recognise what is making you unhappy and, if it is within your capability, change it. One thing at a time.
(If it’s very bad and you just can’t break out on your own, seek professional help. Just do whatever it takes. Depression doesn’t come out of nowhere. There may well be deep and dark abuses in a person’s past which need to be discussed with a professional.)
